Erotic Specialty Store Raided! Former Mayor Higgins Mystified.

Editor's note: The City proposes to zone adult establishments to places on the outskirts of town (yet to be more than vaguely identified by the City) when the "total display area of a [adult estblishment's] adult material exceeds 1,000 square feet. Display area shall be calculated as all display areas in establishments and all buildings within a property, and in establishments and all building on adjacent properties under the same ownership or control, on which any adult materials, as herein defined, are displayed and any aisles adjacent to such display areas." As confirmed in a planning board meeting by the City, the word "any" means merely one adult magazine or video will cause an entire display area and adjacent aisle to be included in the calculation of 1,000 square feet. "Adult" material under the Massachusetts General Law includes works that merely describe sexual conduct or excitment. The following satire assumes the zoning law has been passed as set forth above.

From the Mrs. Pottersville Gazette, December 16, 2008, by A.C.

In a raid by the Potterville Vice Squad, A&P Poetry and Porn was seized and shut down last night. Today, all passers-by will see are darkened windows and chained up doors. Many of the patrons, as well as proprietors Adam Cohen and Peter Brooks, were locked up pending release on bail. They face up to one year in prison and substantial fines. Reached for comment, the proprietors stated their surprise, “No one complained about any secondary effects, and we strove to offer erotica in limited quantities appropriate for local residents,” said Mr. Brooks. “We made a special effort to make this shop a place where a mature woman could shop and be not only comfortable, but have fun, too” said Mr. Cohen, “Many women noted how tasteful and attractive the shop was.”

The specialty erotica shop in the back of the building at 135 King Street was just one small part of the premises controlled by the proprietors. The balance of the building the proprietors had subleased to a local drugstore vendor, Dolly’s, after Serios’ on State Street closed its doors in the early 2007. But among the goods sold by Dolly’s were romantic novels and magazines, such as Cosmopolitan, often purchased by underage teenage girls. Such fare has recently come under attack from social conservatives and feminist as “depicting, describing or relating to sexual conduct.” “To think my daughter may be reading such smut during this holiday season, well, that’s just outrageous!” said one woman. Her husband piped in, “We men don’t know what those girlie magazines and romance novels really contain!”

In response to specific complaints the vice squad conducted undercover operations and surveillance. “We were shocked by the explicit nature of this material,” said Pottersville’s new police chief, Mr. Puregood, “We had to do something to protect the children.” In this case, the 9 square feet of Dolly’s displaying such adult material combined with the square footage of A&P of approximately 992 square feet surpassed the 1,000 foot rule embodied in the 2006 ordinance. “Many citizens have been complaining that the ordinance passed in 2006 does not go far enough,” said police chief Puregood, “but unfortunately, we can only act when an establishment such as this exceeds the 1,000 square foot rule.”

Mrs. Potter, the mayor, announced she will introduce a measure at the next city council meeting to ban all adult orientated material from any establishment within her jurisdiction outside of the combat zone established by the 2006 ordinance. This may prove to be another proposal introduced by Mrs. Potter likely to pass after she and her colleagues swept into office in the last election. Mrs. Potter’s popularity has only increased since she took a tough stance against the local cable franchise’s transmission of sexually orientated materials.

Mrs. Potter is also known as a champion for more restrictions upon the transmission of adult material via the Internet. She advocates measures successfully implemented by free wheeling China to protect its citizens from pornography and other material the government has found to corrupt the good and moral character of its citizens.

Readers may recall that Mrs. Potter cobbled together a remarkable coalition of pro business, religious and feminists groups to defeat Mayor Higgins in the 2007 election. She attacked Mayor Higgins for, among other things, not doing enough to protect women and children from pornography. The ordinance passed in 2006 still allowed many establishments downtown to carry adult material because they did not breach the 1,000 square foot rule.

There were other reasons cited, too. As one concerned mother said, “Although I believe in women having real equality in all areas of government, I just didn’t think Mayor Higgins was the appropriate role model for my daughter in contrast to Mrs. Potter, who is married to a Mr. Potter, a well known banker and real estate developer.” The rise to power of Mrs. Potter reminded many political observers of the toppling of Ann Richards as governor in the state of Texas many years ago by George Bush and his canny political adviser, Karl Rove.

“Few would have predicted this when the ordinance was passed,” said Mr. Cohen, “I trusted that the judgment of a relatively educated population would prevent us from this extreme.” But others point out that Mr. Cohen apparently failed to take into account the evolving demographics in Pioneer Valley resulting from an influx of, among other groups, conservative retirees and immigrants from less liberal cultures, and his indifference to more conservative citizens whose families have resided in Pioneer Valley for many generations. Former Mayor Higgins said, “This is not how we intended the ordinance to be used. This raid would not have occurred under my watch.”

In 2006 Mr. Cohen founded Nopornnorthampton which spearheaded the movement to drive porn stores of greater than 1,000 square feet out of town. It was then that he predicted that if the laws were found in practice to unreasonably impinge upon first amendment rights, the city would surely take corrective action. But as Mrs. Potter has increased political support and has proposed to ban all adult materials from downtown, few expect the 2006 ordinance to be rolled back.

No one on the city council dares vote against any measure proposed to protect women and children against pornography. As one city council member confided off the record, “if it happened that a child or woman is sexually abused in my district and the abuser is found to posses adult material from a store downtown, my vote against this measure would surely be cited against me. And, Mayor Potter is certain win these battles as the political opportunities present themselves, so why risk my neck ...”

“Because I financed my part of the purchase price of 135 King Street by taking out another mortgage on my house, I’m now losing my home,” said Mr. Cohen. Mrs. Potter was unmoved. “Think of the harm these pornographers have caused to women and children; losing a home is nothing compared to any such incident of abuse!”

“I must apologize to Mr. Cohen,” said Mr. Brooks, “After the 2006 measure passed, I dared Adam prove his point about the difference between erotic and pornography by joining me in this small venture. Being a good sport, he accepted, and our friendship first established as adversaries blossomed into a working relationship to improve the King Street corridor between Main Street and the Stop & Shop. Now, look what’s happened to him.”

Someone else suggested that perhaps Mr. Cohen should apologize to Mr. Brooks, as well as others in the community.

In other news, President-elect Cheney cited the longevity of Clayborn Pell and Ronald Reagan ….